We understand that the death of a parent is inevitable but that foreknowledge doesn’t lessen its grief. We know that death is the ultimate truth of all living, yet we are never prepared for it. Even if one dies of prolonged illness, we may have anticipated the death and said our goodbyes, but we are never ready for it. But when death is untimely, how do you deal with it? And when you believe that your dad is making progress, how do you accept that he is no longer there? How?
It’s a mixed feeling of denial and anguish. We fail to understand the hows and whys of it all. This second wave of Covid-19 has claimed many deaths. We saw it coming and yet we were not prepared. We were not prepared medically, emotionally, mentally, or physically. We used to watch news of the virus spreading but it never impacted our lives until Dad contracted it. Then it suddenly became real. The problem suddenly became our own.
Dad was full of life. More active than all three of us, he would do pranayam. Early to bed and early to rise. He was not dependent for any of his errands on another human being. He was a simple and intelligent man. His views about life used to fascinate me. We are all lost in our desires and wants but this was one man who was satisfied with what life offered him. For the time I have spent with him, I haven’t heard him complain. His stories about how War and Peace was written, his travels, and much more echo in my mind. His persistence and accuracy could be seen in everything he did.
Grief has its way with each one of us. It’s a lifelong journey. How you deal with it, how you express it, and for how long this lasts, one cannot calculate. It’s different for each one of us. But this scar will change our lives forever. This incident exaggerates and highlights the other emotional issues in life. Once again it reminds you of your mortality and raises the question of your existence in this world.
How you came into being and why?
Is there any higher power?
Should you continue living your life as is?
Should you change your course to give your life more meaning?
What brings meaning to your life?
We were nothing before birth and we will be nothing after death.
So how do we justify the time have between birth and death?
I am boggled by these thoughts as many others. I am not sure if there is a respite to it.
Dad, when I look up in the sky and pray, I would be praying to you. I know your light will guide our way. Thank you for being you and none other. I will cook black masar more often to remember you and cherish all our wonderful memories.
Love and Respect
Your Daughter (as you never made me realize I was a daughter in law)
Keep smiling at us from heaven dad.