Well, today I thought I will talk about the demon under my bed. It is probably a desperate attempt to limit it. I have been dealing with it for my entire life. That being said, I would like to mention that I was born and brought up in a loving and supportive environment.
Emotional insecurity is not something you can see in a person like sadness or happiness. It has deeper roots in the mind of a person. It can be identified when you analyze the behavior for a long time. Emotional insecurity is a constant feeling of inadequacy, rejection, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It is a constant fear that this present happy state is temporary and will go away by your wrongdoings in the future. It produces anxiety about your goals, relationships, and ability to handle certain situations.
I found this on Wikipedia “Insecurity is often rooted in a person’s childhood years. Like offense and bitterness, it grows in a layered fashion, often becoming an immobilizing force that sets a limiting factor in the person’s life. Insecurity robs by degrees; the degree to which it is entrenched equals the degree of power it has in the person’s life.“
When a person feels vulnerable, his every act or thought is governed by self-doubt. It takes over all the aspects of his life. Be it personal or professional. It can lead to insecurity in a job, relationship and body image, and social anxiety. Insecurity does not have an external stimulus. Rather, it is a quirk of one’s personality and thinking pattern. Common signs of this can be self-isolation, low self-esteem, eating disorders, fear of being alone, emotional dependence on someone else, and fantasy of a perfect relationship that isn’t fulfilled, to name a few. Different people react in different ways when they feel vulnerable and insecure.
I have been suffering from this atrocious feeling. I have felt insecure in every relationship I have had. Be it with my mother and father, cousins, friends, or my romantic relationship. In my school days, I found it difficult to maintain a friendship. To be friends with them, I would sometimes do their homework or some other thing. Later, I would feel, why would she even want to be friends with me. I can remember feeling alone. When I was a child, I was very talkative. My parents and relatives often narrate stories of funny things I said and did. But all these stories were of my childhood, I guess till I was 10. Though I didn’t have friends in my childhood, I didn’t care at that time. It was after I entered my teens. That’s when it hit me. I don’t know how I came to have this issue. Since then, I have had trouble. And it just grew. I can see the same pattern in my middle school, high school, college, and so forth. I am doing it even today.
When I look back, I have had difficulties in all my relationships. The reason was less them and more Me. I feel jealous when I see two people in a happy relationship. Be it, Mother and daughter, friends, or a couple. It makes me feel that I am probably not worth having such a healthy connection. This instability of my mind has led me to jeopardize most of my relationships.
If you think about it, it’s not a real-world problem like poverty, terrorism, etc. Most people are suffering from worse issues in their life. One can argue that it’s stupid to feel this way. But this is one’s fight with his mind. It’s easier to say, “Hey Ritika, don’t feel that way, you are great!”. But it doesn’t work that way. No form of external validation can ease me. It’s only until I start valuing myself and validating my existence. I just want to thank the people who stood by me while I was a difficult mess.
Until today, I never dared to admit it. To cover it, I have often behaved distant, arrogant, and careless. I didn’t know how else to deal with it. Well, I still don’t. When you acknowledge the issue, you come one step closer to resolving it. Today, I choose to get away with it. I would not be able to get rid of it, just by admitting it. But this is a teeny tiny step in the right direction.